I wish I could say I was drunk when this happened

FAIL
Steam cleaning the rug
with an iron-
genius.
Unless
the rug is from Target.
Then it just gets crusty
and embarrassing-
like face scabs-
and now we have to wear socks
all the time. 

My Russian Loves, and the Implications of Baggy Clothing

Hey. Hey. So it is not my fault that much of my sloshed poetry highlights sexy time and man parts. It is not my fault because A of all: it is vodka's fault, and B of all: it is Alexei Nemov's fault. Just wanted to make this clear before we continue.

For all I know, it looks like a tiny french fry

Dude.

Baggy shorts

do nothing for you.

Pride in the packaging

of the package!

(If you continue

to swim in those shorts,

I will assume

you have a micropenis

and spread rumors

and start a blog about it.)

You take up

so many channels,

ESPNing all over my evening-

so stop being so useless

and start bulging.
Please.

I generally hate sports. There are several reasons for this. The biggest reason is probably because I find that most people who are into sports are incredibly irritating people. They sit there like idiots yelling at their television, and the outcome of whatever they are watching actually affects their mental well-being. Unless you have money on the game (which makes you stupid for another reason), I just don't understand the investment of energy, emotion, and time that goes into being a sports fan. It's frankly disgusting.

Aside from the fans, the actual sporting events themselves are also very very stupid. A guy makes this ball go through that goal/net/hole, and everyone watching makes loud noises and slaps their hands together like happy monkeys. This about sums it up: 18,000 People Cheer Thing Going Through Thing.

The one potential redeeming quality about sports is that a lot of the athletes are fit and muscly and therefore fun to look at. But of course all this potential redemption is wasted because athletes cover their hotness up with unflattering, ill-fitting, goofy clothing, thus cancelling out our last hope of finding worth in most sporting events. I'm sorry, but NOBODY will ever look attractive in basketball shorts.

Especially when those basketball shorts give you camel toe, Mr. Stockton. (O_o)

The only sports that I will bother watching are men's gymnastics and men's diving. And this is why:

And that, my friends, is successful packaging.

U.G.L.Y. You Ain't Got No Alibi

Tragic Loss

I am so

SO

attracted

to this picture

of you

that was taken

probably fifty years ago.

We could have been

lovers…

Why do you

have to be

so

old

and icky?

Then...

Now...