Hey. Hey. So it is not my fault that much of my sloshed poetry highlights sexy time and man parts. It is not my fault because A of all: it is vodka's fault, and B of all: it is Alexei Nemov's fault. Just wanted to make this clear before we continue.
For all I know, it looks like a tiny french fry
Dude.
Baggy shorts
do nothing for you.
Pride in the packaging
of the package!
(If you continue
to swim in those shorts,
I will assume
you have a micropenis
and spread rumors
and start a blog about it.)
You take up
so many channels,
ESPNing all over my evening-
so stop being so useless
and start bulging.
Please.
Please.
I generally hate sports. There are several reasons for this. The biggest reason is probably because I find that most people who are into sports are incredibly irritating people. They sit there like idiots yelling at their television, and the outcome of whatever they are watching actually affects their mental well-being. Unless you have money on the game (which makes you stupid for another reason), I just don't understand the investment of energy, emotion, and time that goes into being a sports fan. It's frankly disgusting.
Aside from the fans, the actual sporting events themselves are also very very stupid. A guy makes this ball go through that goal/net/hole, and everyone watching makes loud noises and slaps their hands together like happy monkeys. This about sums it up: 18,000 People Cheer Thing Going Through Thing.
The one potential redeeming quality about sports is that a lot of the athletes are fit and muscly and therefore fun to look at. But of course all this potential redemption is wasted because athletes cover their hotness up with unflattering, ill-fitting, goofy clothing, thus cancelling out our last hope of finding worth in most sporting events. I'm sorry, but NOBODY will ever look attractive in basketball shorts.
Especially when those basketball shorts give you camel toe, Mr. Stockton. (O_o)
The only sports that I will bother watching are men's gymnastics and men's diving. And this is why:
And that, my friends, is successful packaging.
1 comment:
I used to think like this. Then I came out and found, ironically, that I started really liking certain sports a lot, like baseball and rugby. And not just for the tight uniforms or short shorts either. I acquired a genuine appreciation for the skills of the games. Even played rugby for a while till i broke my arm in practice.
But I still agree with you about mindless ESPN addicts. And especially about the packaging. The billowy culottes that people call basketball "shorts" today are not only embarrassingly Victorian, they also strike me as actually counterproductive to agility in the game. There's a good reason rugby shorts are actually short and have stayed that way.
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