Meet me in the love room

Today's drunk poetry is best read while listening to Yello's "Oh Yeah" from the Ferris Bueller soundtrack.

Dianasaurus Ross

In the good old days

there were no people.

Just long necks

and three horns

And love?

Never measured

in shitty wax chocolates.

No sir.

you could say it all

with tree stars,

finding your way to the GV,

where love blooms

under the sweet shade

of Diana Ross’s

massive fro

(she’s really old).

Oh, yeah…

So I have this friend. He's a very sexual person (not a bad thing, usually), and apparently he always has been. When he was about 6-years-old, he had a favorite stuffed animal - Littlefoot from TLBT. It was a very attractive stuffed animal. Very plush and snuggly. So lovable, in fact, that after a while, Littlefoot developed severe scoliosis from my friend's intensive cuddling. But that was okay because it was from love.

One day my friend's mother was cleaning up his bedroom. My friend was going to get around to it, but his mother was being unreasonably impatient about it, so she had taken matters into her own hands - much to her regret...

While she was cleaning, she came across a little note on the floor next to my friend's bed. It read exactly as follows:

"Littlefoot,

meet me in the love room.

SEX"

Now, rather than appreciating her son's advanced spelling skills, she got very flustered, full of parental concern. She burst into the living room where my friend was happily watching Eureka's Castle.

"What is this?" she asked, waving the note in the air.

My friend tried to play it cool. "It's just from a game I was playing."

"'Littlefoot, meet me in the love room. SEX.'???" she read the note out loud. "What kind of game were you playing, and where did you get the idea to play it!?"

My friend began to panic. "That's not what it says!" he cried, blushing. He pointed out that the "X" in "SEX" was clearly just a lower-case "t" that had gone a little wonky.

"It says 'SEt' - like a TV SEt! We were just going to watch TV!"

"In the love room?"

"...It says 'SEt'! Not the other word!"

"Yes, but why in the love room?"

"I don't know, that's just what it says!"

"But why did you write it!?"

"...Look, it's just a 't'!"

After a few more minutes of this back and forth, my friend still refused to back down from his explanation. His mother eventually gave up, and she probably spent the next ten years in fear that her son had a sexual interest in dinosaurs.

Fortunately, my friend's exploits in the love room with Littlefoot came to an end. It was just a phase. He has since moved beyond dinosaurs and has now settled on a sexual interest in other men. Especially if they are men wearing dinosaur costumes.

Cartoon Hotties (Bow-chicka-wow-wow!)

Hentai

Sometimes I wish

I was Yu-Gi-Oh

(Google image search)

Because I would be attractive

And magical

Hey,

Lots of people are attracted to cartoons.

It's a well-documented fact that people have lower hotness standards when they are smashed. I'm pretty sure there's even a Mythbusters episode about it. What a lot of people fail to realize is that the drunk goggles also work with the hotness level of cartoons.

But let's warm up with an example of real-life people first. First, people who I would have sexy time with completely sober:

Ohmygosh, I'm drooling all over myself!!! Okay, I would do these next people if you got me tipsy. Note that gender ceases to be deal-breaker.

It's like, I love you Jason Mraz, buuuuuut...you're two mai tais short of Matt Damon. Now let's look at people who I would only do if I were completely sloshed.

I don't care how many tween girls and lonely middle-aged women think Rob Pattinson is hot- he's just icky. He's pasty, boring, stupid, terrible at acting, and you just know he's a miserable kisser. I mean look at his lips! Does he even have lips? But I guess I would still do him if I was drunk. Same with my truck-driving senator, Mr. Scott Brown, and with the mostly irritating but occasionally endearing Jack Black.

Still, no matter how drunk you get, there are limits to how low you will sink with your fuckery. I draw my line with these unfuckables:

No surprises, really. It would take a lot more than alcohol for me to put out for these charmers. I'm talking millions and millions of dollars, probably followed by years and years of therapy. Except for Mr. Cage. There's no way in hell that would ever happen. Ever.

Enough real people. Bring on the cartoon hotties!!! This works the same way as it does with real people, for the most part. I guess the major difference is that I actually have a shot with Chris Pine (a very miniscule shot), while I will only ever have a shot at sexy time with Prince Eric in my dreams. Because he's not real. And I'm not sure if he even has a penis. Part of me thinks that cartoons (especially the Disney ones) would look like Ken dolls if they pulled their pants down. Anyway, that's not important. The point is that if he were real (or I guess if I were a cartoon), we would get it on somehow. Because he's smokin' hot, as are his two Disney compadres:

Yep, Disney knows how to draw 'em hot. And now for our get-me-tipsy-first cast of characters:

I freakin' love Yu Gi Oh. With a happy little nudge from a drink or two, I would be all over these fellows. Heart of the cards, guide me indeed (right into their pants!). I would just have to be careful not to get poked by the pharaoh's hair- I mean, I'm assuming the carpet matches the drapes. And now onto cartoons that are only hot when I'm absolutely sloshed.

Before you judge me, let's take a careful look at these cartoons. I know that they look like animals, but really they act more like people. Simba is voiced by the adorable Matthew Broderick, and just look at that dashing silky hair. You can't tell me that he also wouldn't be a very good spooner. Then there's Raphael- do you see those muscles!? And the Beast- well I'm sure he's a beast in bed.

And now our last bunch of cartoons. No amount of alcohol could ever tempt me.

Frollo and Squidward for obvious reasons. And then there's the nameless prince that the Beast transforms into after Belle confesses her love. It's not that he's terribly ugly - he was just, so...disappointing. We grew to love the Beast, and then he turned into that. A pea-brained prissy with a weird nose, Angelina Jolie lips, and hair that's verging on a mullet. I hate him.