Praise be to Wal-Mart

Shopper's dilemma

Fuck you Wal-Mart.

All smiles?

Hardly-

I don’t want 150 thread count sheets

Or plastic tulips

Or generic Oreos

And

I don’t want to shop

Next to Butt Crack McGee

Or Mrs. Braless McKankles

Or Screamy Child.

I will never shop at you again-

As soon as you stop

Selling a gallon of milk

For a buck fifty

I grew up in a pretty small city. More of a village, really. A village in the middle of nowhere. Of course, I was happily oblivious of this when I was a child. As far as I was concerned, my village was a thriving metropolis. We had a 4-block-long downtown that boasted a 12-story skyscraper, a mini-mall for all your shopping needs, and even 2 McDonald's. I thought we had it all- that is, until Wal-Mart decided to come to town. I was a junior in high school when the superstore went up, and it was a BIG deal. Just how big, you wonder? Well. It was such a big deal, that our high school pep band was invited to come play the national anthem and the Wal-Mart theme song at the Grand Opening. As the drum major of said band, I got to lead the music. The cheerleaders also came out and bounced around doing a Wal-Mart cheer when the doors opened. And of course there was an invocation in which we thanked God and Wal-Mart for all the new jobs the store brought to the community, and in which we all offered up our silent prayers of hope for uber low prices on pet food and dish soap.

You think I am exaggerating? The proof is in the pudding (aka Wal-Mart's corporate press page: http://walmartstores.com/pressroom/news/5381.aspx)

I didn't get to go into the store at the Grand Opening. I had to go back to school. But the following weekend, I got my first taste of Wal-Mart. I had never been inside one before, so you can image how overwhelmed I was by the sheer acreage of the place. I was glad I had brought a buddy with me for moral support. At first we were excited about all the hot deals down every aisle. A giant bouncy ball for $5!!?? $10 for a pair of overalls!!!!!???? The endless variety of merchandise was also astounding. A whole aisle of car fresheners!!!!??? 

It wasn't long before the whole experience became just too overwhelming. In our dazed stupor, we forgot that we were supposed to be taking advantage of the low low prices, and instead we just started putting things where they didn't belong. This soon turned into a game - one that did not have any definitive objective but was nonetheless incredibly entertaining. We took a bottle of shampoo and put in the basket of bouncy balls. We tied a jump rope around a pack of adult diapers. An industrial tub of Vaseline went inside a camping cooler.

Unfortunately, a humorless employee caught on to our antics and asked us to either buy something or leave the store. We handed her the boxes of tampons that we were carrying and left.

I have since learned that Wal-Mart is a terrible company and that anything you buy at their store will likely disintegrate within 4 months of purchase. It is not okay to shop there. Unless you look like you've been exiled from a trailer park. Or unless you're going to need a lot of Vaseline next time you go camping.